7 stages of woman

Religious experiences…

Last weekend I went to visit two good friends of mine. One of whom (Jess*) is in a really bad way, the other is living at University in the chaplaincy (Ellie*). My intention when I went down was to help Jess to get out of her situation. My trip really opened my eyes, I couldn’t do much in the time I was there but when I left I was more determined than ever to help her. The other life changing part of the trip was seeing Ellie, my experience with her actually changed me.

Seeing Jess opened my eyes to a part of the world I’ve never realised existed. She lived in what can only be described as the arse-end-of-nowhere. I sat with her and honestly felt like I was watching one of the documentaries about girls who live in shitty run-down, brothels and are hooked on drugs. I’ve never felt like such a terrible friend. I’d let her carry on down this path even though I knew she was having problems. Since I’ve been there I spoke to Ellie and we agree she needs a break from where she’s living so hopefully she will move in with me for a bit. I’ll be going to see her again so hopefully she’ll come back with me.

My experience at Ellie’s was amazing. I went to mass with the chaplaincy in the morning, then afterwards we had coffee and lunch and played cards. After me and Ellie spoke for ages, I had the first real confession I’d ever had with the Priest there. Every time I’ve been to confession before I’ve always found it so hard to tell all the truth. This time I told him everything and I’ve never felt more at peace. I left that confession with the promise to myself I would follow God’s word more closely and stay aware from impure thoughts. Leaving Ellie’s I spent 6 hours on a bus praying and reading three of the Catholic books I’d been given by Ellie and the Priest.

That day really was a religious experience. I felt happy for the first time in years, and so truly at peace there. I left determined to stay pure and improve my life. And with the help of my friends, prayer and God’s guidance – I will.


*Names have been changed to protect identities.


‘Smudged lipstick’: Why it’s not going to be a trend.

According to multiple magazines, smudged lipstick is going to be the next big trend. Fat chance. Just because one thing is on a runway, everyone seems to think it’s the biggest trend of the year. The thing most of these magazines and journalists fail to realize is this makeup is for high fashion shows. High fashion shows aren’t to show clothes that ‘normal’ people would wear. High fashion is about art, it’s primarily about showing clothes that were created for artistic purposes. The only people who could actually wear those clothes are the people rich enough to not care what people think.

As much as I do love the smudged look, I doubt many people could pull it off without it looking like a mess. It’d end up looking like they’d overdrawn, attempted to rub it off and then left it. May aswell just scribble over their lips with the lipstick, frankly.

We all know we would all end up looking like this.

Other high fashion makeup includes thick black eye makeup, flowers on the lips, sequins stuck all over the face. None of those have become trends have they? That’s because there’s a big difference between haute couture makeup and actual makeup trends.

Anyway, whatever you decide to do is your business, but I won’t be trying to do smudged lipstick because I know for a fact it’ll fail. I’ll always love haute couture and makeup and that side of the art world. It’s always going to be one of my favorite art forms, I’d love it if it sneaked it’s way into the ‘normal’ world but I doubt that’s gonna be happening anytime soon.

Dealing with grief.

Recently my Great Gran (hereafter referred to as Granny Smith) died. She’d been sick for a long time and I’d last seen her about a week before for her birthday. I’ve seen her regularly for most of my life and I was definitely close to her. She’s perhaps the only person I’ve met that would just tell people exactly what she thought of them (I inherited that trait from her, naturally). Everyone in the family has heard a comment about their outfit or general appearance at some point in their life. My cousins and I got the ‘hair comment’ the most. We’d walk into the house with a great new cut or color we were dead proud of and she’d be straight in with: “What have you done to your hair?!”

About 2 years before this my Grandma Jean died. I’d seen her two weeks before her death but I wasn’t as close with her (due to family issues I won’t go into). When my mom told me she’d died I was devastated. I cried for hours, I couldn’t speak to anyone, I cried myself to sleep that night. When my Granny Smith died, I cried for about a minute. I couldn’t figure out why I had reacted so differently. I felt awful about it, as though it must have meant I loved one more than the other

After some frankly limited research I have come to the conclusion it is due to anticipatory grief. According to the one single article I read, anticipatory grief is when a loved one suffers from a long term illness so that you already have the emotional response of grief before they’ve actually died. Surprisingly, it makes a lot of sense. I’ve been feeling terrible because I’ve been feeling nothing, as though she’d died ages ago. After reading about anticipatory grief I’ve realised she did die ages ago. At least part of her did, she’s always been strong and able to live alone and do things for herself, but after she got diagnosed with her brain and lung tumors she couldn’t live alone and soon after she stopped being able to leave her bed. She spent her last months in bed, in the living room of her daughter. She was barely living, sleeping most of the day and spending all day in her bed.

If anything I’m relieved that she passed away. She’s not in any more pain and she can’t feel as though she’s a burden on anyone like she did in her last days. She’s with my Grandad now, and while I’m not certain on an afterlife, I can always hope she’s in a better place.

In the beginning…

Honestly no idea why I started this. I don’t really have many things to talk about but I do have a lot of opinions. This blog may just be like 90% opinions and 10% my incredibly boring life, but I’m just going to see how long I can keep at this.

So, I’m watching a film I’ve just found called ‘Ask Me Anything‘. It’s incredible, my favorite type of films are ones about adolescent girls discovering their sexuality and not having the same cliche reaction to it all. I like the cinematography in this one as well, it’s all so beautifully filmed. The characters are so deep and complex and the ending was incredible. I seriously recommend this film.

Anyway, I’ll probably write another post later, for now I suggest you watch Ask Me Anything, it’ll change your life. I promise.

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